Blackie and Seraphina

Newest addition to my family. Two little adorable kittens. 5 weeks old. *happy*

Yeah

I found...happiness in the simple things in life. Like in the laughter of children, just lying down and be lazy, staying at home the whole day and eating chocolates.

Happy

I woke up to a rainy day today. The cool and comfy weather really makes me happy.
I fed the cat while listening to jazz music wafting outside from inside my house.
and I looked at the green trees and grasses and flowers from my garden while the rain is still pouring.
I felt a sense of happiness there and then.

Solitude

I ate lunch alone today.
I practiced alone today.
I ate dinner with a friend today.
I watched a movie alone today.
I roamed the mall alone today.

I cried silently during and after the movie as it was so touching. It ends with a happy ending and yes I am feeling happy for the lovers as they got together in the end. I wish I can have that happy ending too.

The movie I watched: Les Emotif Anonymes. A very, very wonderful movie.

Naming that feeling.

All this while I don't know how to describe that feeling but, now I know what it's called.

According Rob Stein of the Washington Post, “One of the hallmarks of complicated grief is a persistent sense of longing for the lost one and a tendency to conjure up reveries of that person.”

Sometimes, I feel so at peace when I'm writing. It's also been like this. But halfway through my teenage life, after I graduate from secondary school, I kinda wrote less. But, it's all coming back to me now...

I'm listening to this song now. Gotta Have You by The Weepies and the song goes

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, no, no, no, no,
nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

and I wonder why I feel like crying.

I can't agree more with that verse there.
I've cried a lot. I drank alcohol until I puke. I hurt myself with sharp things.
Nothing will do.
But this is just a phase in life we have to get through. 

Morning pains.

Why do I wake up in the morning with heart-twisting-heart-breaking-heart-ache feeling nearly everyday? Maybe that is the time of the day when the mind is very alert and focuses on the things that you don't wanna remember. I hope that one day I am able to wake up and feel like a super-duper woman and the only feeling I will get is I'm happy to be alive! I sat down in my favourite spot again and looked to the sky and said the silent prayer again and I think that works because now I'm feeling quite calm.

I found out something that's quite useful to calm a troubled heart. Watching TV.
I don't know why but it's very calming and especially watching comedies are very very therapeutic. *Haha*
Should do that more often.

That feeling you get when you know it’s not the same anymore.

That feeling you get when you know it’s not the same anymore.

The feeling sucks to the core. Like your whole soul is teared up to pieces and you just feel so broken. Can't find the motivation to wake up every morning and the motivation to go to sleep every night.

Yay. That's life. :)

Scars.

You know what?

Physical wounds heals very quickly. You just have to apply some medication on it and let your body's immunity system do the job.

But when you are wounded mentally... It's 10 times harder to heal(or maybe 100 times harder). I so much prefer to feel the pain on my skin rather than inside my heart.

But I'm gonna end this with something positive.
Move on. Let time do the healing and remember that there will always be someone out there who will be watching over us.

<3

Hope.

I was walking that little distance from the car, crossing the stretch of road, to my front door. In that brief moment, I smelled the scent of.....hope. Yeah hope. I don't know how but there's this scent, I can't put a name to it like how we can recognize the scent of a rose by sniffing the flower. The first thing that came to my mind was .hope. The feeling and the smell of it is very pleasant, almost scentless but yet I know that there's this scent lingering in the air. It is 3am in the morning, the road is quiet, empty of people, everyone's asleep, not much noise there and the air is so fresh. Everything is so peaceful.

Suddenly I felt like the hardships and the heavy stones inside my heart are nothing, I can be strong too. I can move pass them. HOPEfully this feeling is here to stay.

There and then I felt hope. I wish Evil Kitty was there with me, like she always was, sitting outside the gates waiting for me to come back(or maybe she was just there just because it's her favourite spot to sleep). She must be sleeping somewhere tonight, under someone's car maybe).

Good night.

What's happening...

I'm slowly transforming into a person who cries very easily. Sometimes it would be nice if there's someone beside me to console me and just be there for me. There need not be any exchange of words. For the time being, I'll just be my own 'consoler' and do everything myself.

I was bloghopping and I saw lots of blogs with very very meaningful posts and some with beautiful pictures/photos too. My eyes watered as I read them. I don't know why but I felt very touched. People everywhere face hardships everyday and they find ways to overcome it. There's so much to learn from them. The world is so big and it is filled with different kinds of people. Makes me feel so small...like a little dot in a piece of white paper.

Blue skies take me away please.

Today, when everyone was out of the house, I sat down in my favourite spot in the house and I just sat there, looked to the sky and prayed silently. Honestly I ain't that healthy mentally. I feel like a walking zombie everyday and feelin' like there's a huge rock stuck inside my heart. Do you know that feeling?

A new start.

I'm back in the Blogosphere and what a coincidence my last post was (nearly)TWO years ago.

I was seriously considering deleting my past posts but.... they are representation of what I was, how my life was before things started to go awry and painful. The time I wrote the last post, I was in Semester 4 and now I am in Semester 10(wow) and lots of stuffs happened during this period. I've learned one thing. Once reality kicks in, it hits you hard so hard on the face you fall down.
WOKAYS... anywayssss....

I hope I still know how to construct sentences and use words to express myself as I've been living under a rock for such a long time and lost touch with the human race.